EXPLORE magazine

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Art Of The Carve

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May 30, 2019

Weldon Lister of Boerne, Texas is one of Texas’ (if not the world’s) most well-respected engraver. A simple man who…

Artist of the Month: Bryan Catalani

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May 30, 2019

There are those people that give you the sense when talking to them that they have a fire to be…

The Earth Is Flat

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May 30, 2019

I grew up Southern Baptist. Looking back on it, I sort of chuckle. Ladies with big hair setting up the…

From The Publisher – June 2019

Dearest EXPLORE Reader, I’ve been fully self-employed now since 2003. No safety net. No side-hustle. No every-other-Friday paycheck. Just a laptop and some hard work that has managed to keep a roof over my head for a whopping 16 years now. I remember when I started that I wasn’t really too worried about things. I…

Civil – Part 2

Last month I left you readers teetering on the edge of civil war, and I apologize for any jitters my dirty trick may have caused in your lives as you’ve waited on tenterhooks to find out if the war really happened, or if cooler heads prevailed and they managed to avoid the whole thing. (Tenterhooks…

Badass of the Month

Think you know William Barrett Travis? Think again. Born in Sparta, Alabama in 1809, Travis was a badass from the get-go as he joined the Alabama Militia while somehow working as a lawyer, teacher and newspaper editor as well. When he was nineteen, the young officer married a 16 year-old student of his (scandalous), but…

From The Publisher – May 2019

Dearest EXPLORE Reader, I’m particularly frustrated tonight with this little letter. I’ve talked about it a few times on this page, but the act of writing can be a real struggle when you literally have no confines as it relates to the subject matter. Writing an article about ANYTHING is not easy to do because…

Angels All Around Us

Psalm 91:11 “For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways” If you have lived in Boerne for a good amount of time, you have more than likely heard of the military ministry, Angels All Around You. They are a Christian based ministry that focuses on helping out our…

Old Timer

I catch a lot of crap for this column. Because I have an opinion, I instantly irritate some portion of the population no matter what I have to say. That doesn’t bug me much (at all), but I feel I could be doing better at irritating a greater number of people with each column. So…

From The Publisher

Much like you, I look at pictures of myself frequently and grimace. The scars. The wrinkles. The shadows. The greying hair. I’ve got my battle wounds and until you stop and look at them (via pictures), you don’t really remember that they’re there. My Publisher photos don’t help. High-quality, highly detailed pictures of myself that…

Nothing Is Permanent But Change

I’ve just finished a lovely version of this (what I think is a) fascinating story, and alas, when I read it back over I found that it was about as dry as a mouthful of cinnamon and not nearly as exciting. Scholarly tome, I’ve realized, isn’t really my forte, and besides, it read like an…

Music – Jessa Rew

Jessa Rew’s confidence and grace comes across right away—whether talking to her over a cup of coffee or watching her share her songs from the stage. Jessa grew up on a 4,000 acre ranch in Pendleton, Oregon. Most of her early childhood was spent in the outdoors with her horses, enjoying the family’s beautiful piece…

Old Timer

We have a new Mayor this month. We really, really needed a new mayor 4 years ago, but it is what it is. I don’t know our new Mayor Handren personally, but from what I have heard and seen, he seems like he’ll do great job. His resume is impressive, and big companies have hired…

From The Publisher – March 2019

Dearest EXPLORE Reader, Back in 2012, in the frigid waters off the Italian coastline, the Costa Concordia cruise ship that was carrying almost 3500 people hit a reef, almost sunk, and thirty-two people were killed. The boat’s captain, Francesco Schettino, quickly became the culprit blamed for the tragedy. The tragedy was on the news around…

Badass of the Month – Cherokee Bill

As we’ve covered in this particular column, sometimes we “celebrate” some not-so-good-guys. Some have been murderous military tyrants (Santa Anna) and some have just been blood-thirsty mad men that seemingly killed for the sake of killing, like this month’s feature, Cherokee Bill. I want to stop here and say that no, we’re not great supporters…

Erin Go Braugh

“May you always walk in sunshine. May you never want for more. May Irish angels rest their wings right beside your door” I’ve done a lot of talking about my Southern heritage, and a lot of cooking to show it off. But long before my people were living in the southern United States, their people…

Old Timer

I had the strangest dream the other night. $chultz, in a last minute act of desperation, declares martial law in Boerne and instead of locking out the growth and San Antonio commuters from our beloved little town, he locks us all IN. As if we’re in East Germany, he unrolls the razor wire, puts guys…

Art of the Draw

Art of the Draw For JP Rankin and his small collection of characters that you can find most days hanging out at the Cartoon Saloon, it’s never long between belly laughs. Built in Rankin’s property, the Cartoon Saloon is unlike any “bar” you’ve ever been. No security system. No cash register. Heck, there’s not…

From The Publisher – June 2019

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May 30, 2019

Dearest EXPLORE Reader,

I’ve been fully self-employed now since 2003. No safety net. No side-hustle. No every-other-Friday paycheck. Just a laptop and some hard work that has managed to keep a roof over my head for a whopping 16 years now.

I remember when I started that I wasn’t really too worried about things. I was renting a tiny house over on Kronkosky St. as I was fresh out of college and everything I owned was a hand-me-down of some sort or another. I suppose I didn’t have much to worry about losing if I failed, so I just shrugged my shoulders and off I went. Here I sit 16 years later still doing the same thing.

I’ve had a lot of fun doing this job. Sure, I hate it some days, but for the most part, it has suited me well. I have never really worried about revenues or income or whether I could pay my mortgage because I’ve been blessed enough for things to just sort of work themselves out. Like many of you I would classify myself as “comfortable”, and that’s been dependable enough for me. That is, until recently.

I’ve started to not trust my job. I’m unclear as to why. Nothing has really changed for me. Business hasn’t dried up. My expenses haven’t multiplied. I’m still enjoying it. But sure enough, I seem to be “distrustful” of my vocation. As if, at any minute, it’ll all just explode and I’ll be left kicking a rock down Main Street as the locks on my house doors are changed by the bank. I’m left confused and tired from the stress.

I used to fly 3 times per week for a job I had right before this self-employed gig. I flew from San Antonio to Houston on Tuesday, on Wednesday I flew to Dallas, and on Friday I would fly home. I did this for a couple of years I suppose. I never much enjoyed flying as it always made me nervous, but I had no reason to fear it either. I stepped off of a plane in 2003 for the final time and haven’t been on one since. Again, without real reason, I have developed a full blown phobia for flying and have frequent nightmares about it and just the thought of strapping into the seat makes me break out in a sweat. I’m terrified of it, and have no reason to be.

I also would have characterized myself as a “lover of people” for the first 38 years of my life. I so enjoyed my relationships in my life and counted them as some of the most valuable parts of what made me who I was. I loved meeting new people, getting to know them, and trusted that the vast majority of people have my best interests in mind and that, at our core, most of us are pretty good people. I’ve lost that somewhere. Life has chosen to teach me in the past decade that my blind trust in people is not advised, and I’ve gotten spanked pretty hard. So now I catch myself resisting relationships, assuming that people are out to hurt me, and retreating from my relational growth that I think that I should be enjoying.

I’ve been thinking about these examples in my life lately and have been trying to make some sense of them. As always, I’ve made marginal progress, so perhaps so open discussion about them might spur me forward. Who knows.

I think back through these examples and one thing that I’ve accepted is that in all 3, I had no reason to FEAR. I believed I could be self-employed, so I was. I had no reason to fear planes, so I just did it. I was happiest when I trusted in people, so I did. So how and where did I pick up a “fear” of all three (and trust me, there are more)?

One of the best and worst things about life itself is that we all must learn. What’s the old saying – “Life is a harsh teacher. She gives you the test first and the lesson afterward.” Isn’t that the truth? So much of life consists of your dumb naivety and sometimes you succeed due to your own blind luck, and sometimes you fall flat on your face, though you didn’t expect to. From there, you pick up your pearls of wisdom and move forward to your next big adventure, but you do so somewhat wiser.

But maybe sometimes, you don’t just pick up wisdom – you pick up FEAR.

We are all born with no fear of virtually anything. Relationships, planes, money, health…as children, these have no real bearing on our lives so we can’t fear what we don’t know. But then life itself can beat the crap out of us, and your parents get divorced, so you learn a hard lesson in relationships and stability. Your sweet grandma grows ill and you learn about the value of health and begin to worry about others in your life that might fall ill. And on and on we go.

As we all mature and grow, I think that oftentimes we think to ourselves “All these bad things that COULD happen, won’t happen to me” and for the most part, that proves to be true. So we put our nose down and we get to living.

But then sometimes, after 20+ years of living and experiencing life in all of its ugly, chaotic, crazy madness, we catch ourselves assuming the worst for situations and being afraid of things that haven’t happened. That is a journey that does not make me happy, and here I sit on a Monday morning contemplating the frustration of fear, of faith, and of life itself.

I was just looking at a calendar and realized that I have spent the better part of the past decade in worry. ALMOST TEN YEARS. Up at night, wringing my hands, assuming the worst, avoiding people, hiding out, and just being separated from the things that have historically given me great purpose and a reason to live. I was very, very safe on my living room recliner. Alone. You can’t hurt me there. I can’t crash in a plane when I’m watching Netflix on my couch. A significant other can’t hurt my heart when I’m working 16 hours a day on my laptop. I can’t have friends that get sick when I have worked hard to remove friends from my life. Nope, it’s just myself, my kids, my couch, and my tv. I’m as safe as can be. Oh, and a dog. Can’t forget Bella.

I suppose that I could have lived out my days in this situation. I could have become a wrinkled old man, shuffling around my safe living room waiting for my kids to come visit, still terrified of flying and still pissed off at the entirety of the human race for taking advantage of me, and I suppose that I would have managed to miss some of the pains of life that were meant for me due to my isolation. Maybe I was close to doing that very thing. Maybe I was really really close.

But the other day I bought a book about overcoming a fear of flying because I really, really want to see Italy. I’m not sure if it will “work”, but I’m motivated. And I desire it. My job still stresses me out, but I’m trying to focus more on the big picture and see that things are, in fact, just fine. I’ve even been working to let new people into my life and to stop being such an old fuddy duddy and to dish out a hug now and then. My point is that I’m just trying and maybe that’s the biggest step.

You are reading this at some point during June and you have struggles. I know this to be true. You’re scared of things, and you avoid some other things, and you’ve sworn off some other things, and you’re struggling with each of them. Maybe you’re like me and you’re quite comfortable with your evening news and an afghan across your lap and surfing Facebook on your phone and the blinds being closed each evening. You have your dogs, and the familiar voice of Alex Trebek provides the comfort you need most evenings. Maybe you’re ok there. Maybe.

But I bet you really want to see Italy. Or Bora Bora. Or to meet someone new. Or to find some new friends and take up bowling. Or painting. Or reading. Or WHATEVER. You really desire more, but your boundaries have become so tight around you that nobody can enter.

I’d challenge you to work on that.

I’m not far ahead of you in the race for self-improvement (trust me) but I’m honest and I know that I’m a broken, messed-up man. If you’ve ever read these columns, you’d know that I’m willing to unpack some pretty intense stuff, and I guess my fear issues are in that vein. But I want to get better, so I throw it out there and every month I hope that somebody writes me and tells me that they also fight the endless battles the same as I.

Let’s get better, huh? Buy the book. Take the class. Make the call. Get dressed up for the date. Buy the tickets. Do the thing that scares you and find the strength to grow. Life is too damn short to desire much else.

And too damn scary.

Welcome to June. It’s summer, Berges Fest is right around the corner, and adventure awaits. Throw off those lines, embrace your fears, and EXPLORE all that which holds you back. And then do it all…at least twice.

Smiling,