Old Timer – Dec 2016

  1. Old Timer, doing any deer hunting this season? Got any great hunting secrets you’d care to share?
    1. When I was a kid, you grabbed your hunting rifle in the pre-dawn light, went out by your favorite field, laid in the grass while temps were in the 20s, and tried like hell to be still and barely breathe. Those deer could sense your movements from a mile away, but every once in a blue moon you got lucky.  Nowadays, hunters put on head-to-toe camouflage, climb up into a heated deer blind, and then fix their eyes on an automated deer feeder.  They wait for the deer to come out to feed, and then take photos with their kill as if they were skilled hunters that dropped out of a tree onto a trophy deer with nothing but a knife held in their teeth.  You call this hunting?
  2. Old Timer, I’m confused. The citizens freaked out about the proposed City Hall plans, so the City took a breath and revised the plans. After citizen review, they went back and voted to just use the original plans.  Enlighten me.
    1. Yes, this is how things work around here. You irritated the City by becoming an engaged and opinionated populace, so they pacified you by putting on a little show. Then when you weren’t looking, they proceeded with exactly what they wanted to do initially. Kinda like the Buc-ee’s deal. Best I can tell, unless you are married to a City councilperson, then you have NO IDEA what is coming down the pipe. It’s sad, really.
  3. Old Timer! Just curious – anything in particular you’re asking for at Christmas this year?  I gotta say – whatever you’re asking for, I want one, too!
    1. Yes, it’s the same thing I’ve asked for the past 63 Christmases: I want a damn Ferrari.  I’ve been looking into picking one up for myself lately, since nobody in my family seems to listen to me.  I figure I’ll just finance it at the longest terms possible.  If I don’t see the end of the financing term, my kids should be happy to pay off the rest for me.  Right?  Oh, and I almost forgot: Shania Twain.
  4. Old Timer, I’m working on my New Year’s Resolutions. Got any that you’d care to share?
    1. Yeah, I’m thinking of taking up Tai Chi. Or maybe line dancing.  No, seriously, I’m just working on my aim in the backyard plunking squirrels with my pellet gun.  Hate those little buggers.
  5. Old Timer, I have to go Christmas shopping for my grandson. Kids are pretty hard to shop for as I don’t know what they’re into.  Suggestions?
    1. My grandson just turned 16. I am giving him two things:  one is a belt.  When he groans and says “Gee thanks Grandpa”, I’m going to tell him that it had better be used around his waist to keep his damn pants from falling down.  If it is not used in this manner, it shall be used upon his ass.  Also, I’m thinking about grabbing my dog clippers, sneaking up behind him and just slicing off a huge hunk of his hair.  This shaggy, mid-70s style the boys are wearing lately makes me just want to smack them.  So there ya have it:  properly fitting jeans or an accidental flat-top.

 


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