Old Timer

You just moved to Boerne? That’s great! When you’re done unpacking and installing your enormous security lighting system, I need you to come back to this article and review a few things that we all need you to understand. As Boerne’s newest citizen, PLEASE take at least a few minutes to recognize how to assimilate into our lovely community so that we can all get along a little better.  As your resident Old Timer, I have taken it upon myself to give you just a few pointers to make your transition a little easier.

Ready or not, here we go:

The ducks, while kinda nice to watch the kids feed, will actually kill you in your sleep so we encourage everyone to run them over at every chance. Yes, I know most people find them endearing, but Old Timer loathes the ducks and has sought their obliteration for years. Heck, instead of being wiped out, there’s a giant stupid duck statue that was erected for them.

Curfew is at 8:30 p.m. No, not really, but for some reason, there seems to exist one in town. For a reason that nobody has ever identified, Boerne’s streets are clear by 830 p.m. and it’s been that way since forever. So basically, if you are out after 8:30 p.m., get ready to be pulled over from an untrusting cop that will naturally assume that you’re an out-of-towner simply causing mischief in our fine town. Best to be on your couch by 8:30.

Boerne lake is nice, but don’t ever go on the weekends. San Antonio has discovered our little lake, and the weekends are a madhouse out there, and I promise you, there’s not ONE local out there. It’s best just to go on a weekday.

Paint your house purple and tear off your patio. Why? Because unless you consistently DESTROY your home’s value, our friends at the Kendall Appraisal District are going to begin a never-ending campaign to max our your property taxes. Trust me, in 10 years, you’ll be moving away with a mortgage that will have doubled from when your loan started. Your only hope is to trash your house and argue like mad against every increase they hit you with. You’ll lose, but you’ll at least feel like you tried.

You must attend the Berges Fest Parade your 1st year. This is an arrestable offense if you fail. Grab some lawn chairs, an umbrella cause it’s always crazy hot, and you are even supposed to have a beer during the parade (yes, at 10:00 a.m.). This is your first badge you’ll earn toward becoming a true Boerneian.

Going to HEB should take you approximately 3 hours, even if you’re just going for a gallon of milk. If you can walk from one end of your HEB to the other and not see at least 6 people you know, then you have some work to do.

We have very real water issues here, no matter what $chultz tells you. Please conserve it. Stop putting in an acre of carpet grass. It pisses everyone off and makes you a jerk.

Don’t kill the pedestrians that jaywalk on Main Street, no matter how much you might want to.

We don’t know why we have that weird statue sitting on the bench at the Park, either.

Any time that you exclaim “OMG – I so wish we’d get a Chick-Fil-A!” or whatever stupid franchise crap you just moved away from, there are 6 Old Timers within ear shot of you that is resisting throwing his glass of iced tea at you.


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