Old Timer – Sept 2018

God bless the Boerne Star. They did what is one of my all time favorite annual issues, which is their “BEST OF” issue.

Now, MOST of the categories contain legit winners. From “Best AC Company” to “Best Housekeeper”, I am sure that these categories are won by companies that truly are some of the BEST from our area. That said, there’s some real doozies in the BEST OF awards that are real knee slappers.

You see, the Star requires a paper ballot for a vote. What SOME businesses will do is go and buy a giant stack of newspapers (that contain the ballots) and sit their employees down and get them to “vote” over and over so that they are guaranteed a victory.

I shall now identify these categories, and, using my power as Old Timer, shall appoint the true winner in each category.

BEST MEXICAN FOOD:

Winner in the Star: MARY’S

Real Winner: every other Mexican food joint

Mary’s Tacos is popular. I get this. I personally can’t stand their tacos, but hey, to each their own. That said, do breakfast tacos even qualify as “Mexican food”? It’s a tortilla with the filling of your choice. This isn’t Mexican food, for crying out loud. It’s a freaking breakfast taco. Thus, their win is now nullified. The proper winner is every other Mexican food joint in town that is actually serving MEXICAN FOOD. Yoli’s, Mague’s, Guadalajara…hell, Taco Cabana serves more Mexican food than Mary’s.

BEST HAMBURGER:

Winner in the Star: Whataburger

Real Winner: Little Gretel

Really? Franchise fast food chain serves the BEST hamburgers? Seriously? Sigh. Look, Little Gretel was recently recognized by a most credible publication, Texas Monthly, as producing one of the Top 50 Hamburgers in the State of Texas. I know that they are a Czech restaurant, but as someone that has eaten at least 100 of their hamburgers, they are truly the BEST hamburger in town. Whataburger – pfffft.

BEST MARGARITA:

Winner in the Star: Taco Cabana

Real Winner: Chili’s

That’s right, Chili’s. The only reason I pick them is because they have a full array of margarita options, and they are made to order. Yes, it’s a franchise place, but they do have a selection of top shelf liquors, a wide variety, and they are pretty dang good. I can’t think of another restaurant in town that is making margaritas, much less providing a selection of different kinds. I know El Rio serves margaritas, but I also know they are insane expensive for a ho-hum frozen margarita. As for Taco Cabana, do I even have to comment on this one? Served in a plastic cup?

BEST JEWELRY STORE:

Winner in the Star: James Avery

Real Winner: Green Bull Jewelry

This is what’s wrong with Boerne. Jerry at Green Bull has been tirelessly working behind his counter, producing world class jewelry for years and years. He lives here. He works the shop. He answers the phone. Then mega-company James Avery opens a few months ago, and is elected BEST Jewelry Store. No community involvement. Run by employees. No owner on site. Feel shame, Boerne. Support your LOCAL businesses, please.

BEST CHURCH:
Winner in the Star: St. Mark Presbyterian

Real winner: Whichever church you attend

Should we really be voting on this, for crying out loud? How many more miracles did St. Mark’s perform than other local churches? C’mon, now.

I was sadly disappointed to see that the Star left out some of my old favorites such as “Best City Employee” and “Best Government Official”. You better believe I would have had some fun with those.  Come to think of it, I think I’ll pick winners anyway:

BEST CITY EMPLOYEE: The Janitor at the Courthouse.

I’m serious. I don’t even know her name, but she’s a shorter Hispanic woman. Always has a smile, waves to everyone, and whistles while she works. And I tell you what, the building is spotless. I like her. She makes my heart smile.

BEST GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL: There is none greater than Mad Money Mike $chultz.

This is not because I think he’s doing a good job, in fact, it’s quite the opposite. However, in terms of being able to polish a turd so much that the citizens (sometimes) believe what he says, we haven’t had a Mayor as good as this in a LONG time. Maybe ever. He can hide info from you, vote for it without you knowing, and then when you find out and rage about it, he can distract you so fast that you forget about it and move on to the next outrage. Meanwhile, your town is destroyed. Ta-Da. (As for Government Official REALLY trying to think and preserve this town: I like Steven Tye on City Council. He’s about 16 (just kidding, he’s probably 30), but he seems like a smart kid and has some high ideals.)

There you have it. See you next year when the Star does this again. I wait for it eagerly. Now leave me alone and quit emailing me.


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