Not Yo’ Mamma’s Thanksgiving


Break out the basters and the pop up timers. IT’S THANKSGIVING! Everyone has their own definition of what Thanksgiving is and how it should be done, but in general, there isn’t a lot of variation. Turkey, maybe ham, bread, mashed potatoes, yams, dressing, cranberry sauce and mountains of desserts. However, there is an unfortunate trend these days to reinvent things for the sake of nonconformity. To that we say BAH!! The only nonconformity we will accept during this season is our clothes to our bodies after gorging at the altar of calories. But that’s why God invented man to invent sweatpants. Here are some new fangled takes on Thanksgiving and what we think of them.



Basically you take what would be your traditional turkey dinner and Hippie-fy it. Smoked turkey breast, traditional stuffing, dried cranberries, green beans, cream cheese, tempura battered and fried, served with cranberry wasabi and red wine soy demi-glace. Yeah, we know sushi is popular and we like a good California roll as much as the next person. But let’s leave sushi where it belongs. In a Benihana.



That’s right, a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey, all wrapped in bacon. Fifty-seven vegetarians just died of a stroke reading that. Which is just about every vegetarian in Kendall county. Other than looking like it belongs in the starring roll of a horror movie it’s probably pretty tasty. Though we get meat sweats just looking at it. You’re welcome CrossFitters.



The year is 1972. Putting stuff in Jell-O is all the rage. Everything. We mean EVERY. THING. Yes, that’s shrimp in that lime jell-o. Let us pray to the Lord on high that every single one of these cook books are, found and burned. Then the ashes burned, put into a large concrete container and sent to the deepest depths of the ocean. Or into space. We’d be happy with both.



At first glance this looks like it might be a yummy cake. But then you realize those layers are meat, stuffing, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, marshmallows and sweet potatoes. It’s said people eat with their eyes. And right now my eyes want to vomit



This one actually doesn’t look too bad. It jumps on the pumpkin flavoring bandwagon and it’s a pretty simple taco. Our beef with this one is obvious. Thanksgiving is about eating your body weight in food. Then sitting in a La-Z-Boy and slipping into a coma until December 23rd. This screams of dainty tapas and raised pinky fingers. What good is Thanksgiving if you don’t have to go put on sweatpants after the meal?



Again with the bleeding eyes. This actually doesn’t sound too terrible. Instead of using the traditional fancy shmancy plate to put your food on, just throw it on a hot dog. It might actually be a pretty good idea for those who have 37 different houses to visit on Thanksgiving. If you want to go the EXTRA authentic route you can make sure it’s a turkey hot dog. But then, that wouldn’t be very American of you now would it?


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