Old Timer

As I sat on my front porch the other day yelling at those little punks that run their bikes across my front yard, I got to thinking about a few things. Namely just a few things about Boerne. I know that we all have issues that we have with this town (despite having lots of things we like), but as I sipped my ale, I decided to make a list of new positions that the City of Boerne requires to properly operate this town. Sure, we have a Streets Department and our comically sad Code Enforcement folks, but I have decided that we need a few additions to our City payroll. Yes, it will add to our expenses, but I trust that you’ll agree with me.


This one is easy, and obviously, it should be ordained to ME. Who else to sit on my throne inside the $chultz Taj-Mah-City-Hall and render judgement on all things. I want a great scepter, and I always demand the ability to simply banish people upon my decree. This job alone would fix 99.9% of the things that harms Boerne. Just step aside folks, I got this.


I bitch about the stupid ducks EVERY month it seems like, yet nobody seems to fix anything. See #1 above. In lieu of that, I need someone that would dish out a little justice to those quacking little bastards. My friend Ira tells me all the time that he speeds up in his giant dually when he sees those stupid ducks waddling across the road. Occasionally I see the squashed remnants of his handiwork. THIS is the man for the job. Oh, and that god forsaken Duck statue is getting thrown in the river.


Lots of people lodge lots of complaints with the City for a variety of reasons, and so I need someone that would handle this when I’m too busy watching Matlock to handle myself. My friend Ray Earl would be perfect for this. He’s at Longbranch most days from 11am till close. His office will be open on the 5th Tuesday of each month, between 12 and 1pm, on any month ending in Z. Otherwise, see #1.


This insane city likes to stress itself about how BERTHA can waddle across our Main Street district as safe as possible. A few years ago, $11m was spent ensure that our crosswalks were “improved” to assist her with her journey. It improved exactly 0% of our pedestrian traffic or safety. So I need someone to handle this, also. My buddy Earl would be perfect. He’s 90% blind so he’s the perfect demographic to be thinking about how to cross the street safely. His entire job shall consist of pointing in the general direction of an intersection and proclaiming “Oh my gosh!!! We need a crosswalk RIGHT THERE!” From there, he’ll busy himself with helping little old ladies across the street (and Bertha, too) in the interim.


Look, Mexican food is serious business in Boerne. Lord knows we have a lot of them, and I partake in them all. I need someone that will oversee the placement of Mexican joints strategically throughout town to ensure perfect Mexican food saturation for our town. Yes, I know we’re a German town, but Mexican food trumps all. Mi amigo Raul would be great – that guy can cook some serious cabrito, he recognizes that Boerne gringos cannot be expected to drive more than 3 blocks without a Mexican joint, and he will inspect whether they offer free chips/salsa. If not, prison ensues.


Sounds scary, but don’t worry, it’s not. Utilizing our Boerne PD’s massive tank-vehicle, this office shall perform the community service of simply taking new residents and educating them on “the way things work”. If you move here from California, Houston, or San Antonio, a short 90 day stay in one of our “Re-Education” camps should fix you right up. We’ll beat that non-compliance right out of you and remind you that in Boerne we believe that our children have to play 14 different sports (or they are put BACK into re-education), we wear name brand clothes, our wives MUST drive luxury SUVs, and above all else, once we move here you simply MUST bitch about new people moving here. My buddy Ralph, with his twitchy eye and propensity to yell at random people out of his window while driving Main Street is the perfect candidate. That guy is nuts, and THAT’S the kind of guy for this job.


Yeah, that’s right, we need this too. We only have a few simple rules: If you litter at the Cibolo Nature Center, prepare to meet my firing squad. If you play music ANYWHERE that is loud enough for ME to hear it (I don’t give a damn where I am), prepare to meet my firing squad. That said, giant ass trucks with no mufflers that spew black exhaust so bad that grandma starts coughing are perfectly acceptable.


There is only one man for this job, Mad Money Mike $chultz. That guy has proven he can spin ANY topic into somehow being “an addition to the quality of life in Boerne.” Giant Buc-ee’s? Got it. Taj-Mah-City-Hall? Gotta have it. Zillions of houses as far as the eye can see? Can’t live without ‘em. If I need someone to mind-numbingly explain my proposals in a way that the general public thinks that it’s actually GOOD for them, this is my guy.


If you’re not packing, you will be shortly.


In Boerne, we take sports seriously. So seriously that if your kid isn’t filling virtually every hour with some sort of activity, we’ll fix that for you. Little Johnny is lingering outside of Soda Pops instead of practicing in the batting cages? Well, don’t be surprised when one of my unmarked vans screeches to a stop, throws his scrawny butt in the van, and we’ll drop him right off at the soccer fields with strict instructions that he best get to kicking that ball or next time we won’t be so “friendly”.


When you sign your kids up for our myriad of sport options, we expect you to quickly sign up for your mandatory yoga classes. Followed by required lunches at the Dienger Co, and must conclude with “girl time” at the Boerne Wine Co. All this must be completed while wearing yoga pants. My friend Jackie can do this. That old lady is meaner than a snake, and I swear she carries a switch. She’ll keep you ladies in line.

Am I done? No, I just ran out of motivation.


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