Old Timer – August 2019

Mobility.

Traffic.

God-forsaken stupid endless construction.

A sea of red brake lights.

All in little ol’ Boerne.

Pull up a chair kiddies. Your favorite friendly Old Timer is going to fix our traffic congestion in town. I’ve grown weary of it, as I know you have as well, but I’ve got solutions.

So here we go:

  1. TIME THE LIGHTS

Try driving 46E or Herff Rd, and you hit countless lights which invariably back up 50 cars deep and take you multiple lights to get through. It’s sooooo stupid and unnecessary. Why would we NOT time the lights? If I’m going from Longhorn to Esperanza I have to hit 3 lights. None of these are timed, so everything locks up and you end up white-knuckling it. WHY? Time the freaking lights so that when you get a green at Herff/Esser you barely tap your brakes for the mile it takes to get to Esperanza. Same deal on Herff – not only are these not timed, but they love to give a super long green turn signal when nobody is coming. This is 2019. When no traffic is coming, have the damn light turn green. This is not NASA level thinking here. This applies all over town. I want it timed so I can drive from Wendy’s all the way to the North end of Main without hitting a light. This must be done.

  1. FLASHING YELLOWS

Why do we have a functioning light at CHS? During the summer? When nobody is there? Why not just make it a flashing yellow? Same at Rosewood. Same at Blanco/Esser. Same at Esperanza. STOP IT. People are very capable to be able to pull out into traffic. Hell, you have to jump 4 lanes of traffic at Blanco/Plant without a light at all.

  1. STAGGERED SCHOOL TIMES

46E at Charger High will back up damn near to Bergheim. Why? Because every freaking school in town is kicking off and releasing at the exact same time. It’s asinine. You’ve got Cibolo Elementary and CHS within a few feet of each other, so why not stagger these times so that it’s not a complete disaster in the area? Boerne High and Currington are a mile apart and the whole area is a circus as the high schoolers release along with all the soccer moms picking up at Currington. Stagger, people!! Let the high school kids out in 10 minute increments so that the lanes can clear and not come to a grinding halt.

  1. ABOLISH TxDOT

Let’s be real – this is a government entity trying to handle construction, which means it’s a guaranteed failure. Bid these jobs out to the highest bidder and give ’em deadlines. If they don’t hit the deadline, they don’t get paid. I know road construction can be a daunting task, but you tell me how much your commute has IMPROVED in the past few years? TxDot was on TV the other night and said that they are 50% done with the 10 “improvements”. If this is 50%, I’m terrified of 100%. Abolish the entire bloated operation, get some hungry contractors in there, and I bet you $5 that the entire project is already over.

  1. FLOG THE GUY RESPONSIBLE FOR ROAD CONDITIONS ON 10

That’s a death trap. You’ve got weaving drunken lines all over the place, random jumps that launch your car into barriers, workers sitting around chatting or, better yet, very little actual “work” even happening in most area. Drag that guy out and flog him on TV. I’ll do the honors. Show the others that when you risk the lives of countless people every day due to ineptitude, you get flogged on live TV. That’ll learn ’em.

  1. DUCKS. KILL ‘EM.

The next time I get stuck in a traffic lock-up because Donald and his group of ladies are waddling across the road, I’m mowing ’em all down. Yeah, you think they’re cute, but they are vile vermin that are trying to kill you.

  1. RULES FOR DEVELOPERS

You’ve got something like 400 houses going in at the lake. The road in and out is a sleepy little road designed to handle Farmer Bob and his weekly hay delivery for his cattle. It is not designed to handle 300 homes x 2 cars = 600 cars in and out each morning. Pass an ordinance that if you build so many houses that it’ll overload our roads, you just bought us a new wider road. It’ll slow the development, and it’ll ease the burden on the citizens who have to pay for the new roads.

  1. STOP BUILDING STUPID SHIT

We can’t afford to fix School Street, but we can buy a Taj-Mah-City-Hall for $22 million dollars. Priorities much? KNOCK IT OFF. We don’t need $22m buildings, we don’t need new CVB buildings, we don’t need fancy new trucks for staff, and we don’t need to be paying our freaking City Manger over $300k/year. We NEED good roads. Take that money and provide infrastructure items like adequate roads so that we can get around without losing a hubcap due to some giant pothole, only for City admin to tell us there’s no room in the budget to fix. Oh, there’s room allright, but you guys are going to have to knock off the drunken spending you’ve engaged in for a long time.

  1. YOU BETTER START WAVING

Back in the day, you waved. At EVERYONE. You didn’t have to stick your hand out the window and wave, but dammit, you at least had to raise a finger of acknowledgment to your fellow passing driver. Nobody does this any more and it pisses me off to no end. We’re all stuck in traffic together, so we might as well wave! Makes the drive just that much more less infuriating. If you don’t wave at me next time, I swear I’m going to fake a heart attack and veer into your lane. Ain’t kidding.

  1. STOP DRIVING

The most obvious solution is to park your car and no longer drive it. Realistic? You’re damn right. If you’re driving to work, that means you’re leaving town for the day, so what’s our excuse the rest of the day? I propose rolling travel-times where District 1 can drive, then District 2, and so on. Stupid idea? Sure. Would it help? A LOT.

Ok, so all I need is someone to pay attention to me and I just remedied 90% of our little ‘burg’s travel nightmares. As with everything that I’ve ever rambled on about, I expect nobody to actually listen or take me seriously and to simply blame other government officials for the fiasco. But when you readers are ready, let’s storm City Hall and let ’em know that it’s time for some changes – even Old Timer’s crazy suggested ones.


About


Leave a Reply

Created by SMV Texas - Boerne based web-ninjas SMV Texas Design Group for EXPLORE Magazine