Old Timer – March 2022

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Back in the old days, nobody really moved to Boerne.

Sure, folks trickled in here and there but there was no conveyer belt of consistent transplants to our area like we’ve experienced lately. For a long time, Houston retirees were the most common demographic of new people, but that has been dwarfed by the unreal number of Californians that have discovered us. And heck, I get it. I wouldn’t want to be in California, either.

They can have their home buying dollar go 10x as far as it would in California, and let’s not even get started on the political differences. So I understand some of their reasons for choosing our area over Commiefornia.

However, while our CVB does a great job of marketing Boerne as this quaint little ‘burb that’s just “chock full o’ charm and rustic elegance” …we all know some of this message is straight bullshit.

So this is for you, dear California transplants. I’m going to address a few of your misconceptions about our area before you take the leap, sell your McMansion and fully
become a citizen of our fair ‘burg.


 

1. Don’t bring “it” with you!!

You moved here for a reason. Don’t move out “to the country” and then light up your house with a million flood lights, ruining the night sky. Don’t choose the Hill Country for its beauty and then scrape it down to the limestone and landscape it. Don’t move away from insane politics, and then bring insane politics here. Just remember that we’ve been perfectly fine without you thus far, and we don’t need your amazing suggestions based on your experiences in an area that most of us consider hell on earth. Let us lead and you focus on the above 4 issues. Deal?

2. Traffic is worse than you’ve been told.

No, it’s nowhere near as bad as a LA Freeway. I get it. However, if you think you’re coming out to some sleepy little Texas town where you’ll be dodging tumbleweeds, you’re mistaken. Traffic sucks here, and it sucks mainly because it shouldn’t suck. Enjoy sitting at River Road for a solid 30 minutes. Just wait till you drive anywhere near the high schools at either 8:15a or 4:15p. It’s a mess. Some guy can get a flat tire on I-10 and you can now enjoy your 1+ hour trip to San Antonio. There’s construction everywhere. And to my endless disdain, our lights were timed by 3 trained monkeys. Our traffic here is NOT good.

3. You’re going to constantly be razzed about being from
California.

Texans are friendly folks for the most part. We’re pretty accommodating and pretty civil as a society. Prepare for LOTS of jokes about moving here from California. If you have thin skin, tread accordingly. You will endlessly be asked “Where ya from?” and you’ll mutter “California” and eyes will instantly get big, you’ll get a “No shit?” from your new friend and then I promise they’ll ask you “You’re not bringing any of that Communism here, are ya?” Be prepared for this. It’s an honest question. Heaven help you if you say “I prefer to not call it communism”. The only answer to give at this point is “You’re damn right I left those damn looney toons back in California!” This is your only chance.

4. You MUST integrate.

You’re moving to Texas. Embrace it. Buy the hat. The ropers. The Wranglers. The truck. All the stereotypical Texas stuff you swore you’d never buy…well, buy it. Because if you go HEB with your man-bun, sandals, and Biden t-shirt, then refer to the previous example I gave. You’ll stand out like a sore thumb and it won’t go well for you. Integrate with your new society!

5. Don’t bring “it” with you!!

You moved here for a reason. Don’t move out “to the country” and then light up your house with a million flood lights, ruining the night sky. Don’t choose the Hill Country for its beauty and then scrape it down to the limestone and landscape it. Don’t move away from insane politics, and then bring insane politics here. Just remember that we’ve been perfectly fine without you thus far, and we don’t need your amazing suggestions based on your experiences in an area that most of us consider hell on earth. Let us lead and you focus on the above 4 issues. Deal?